space-time heals

justin scawful • 20 nov 2020

i'm officially in an actual funk now. been pretty depressed the last week or so. i'm doing everything i can to combat the issue and stay active but it is difficult to motivate myself lately. i had to drop my physics class because my grade was too low in it to salvage before the semester was over. now i've just gotta focus as much as i can on my other classes and make sure i do well in those. it's been hard to get myself to do school work. i'm just trying to stay positive about going to uic next semester and make it through this one in one piece.

it's interesting though, i've noticed since this depression feeling started that i've had more creative thoughts and ideas. it's unfortunate i really don't have the free time to execute on them but it's a neat observation. i guess it explains why i embarked on so many creative endeavors in high school when i was constantly depressed. not sure what the correlation is there but i'm aware that a lot of people are like this. since i've been taking a new anxiety medication, that aspect of things has been noticeable absent. it's been working really well and i'm not struggling with the overthinking problem anymore. now it's just a normal bland empty depressive episode triggered by the darkness of winter.

i know i'll get through this. i'm not experiencing any terrible dread about the future or my life or anything of that nature. i'm just down in the dumps. i'm hoping blogging will help get some of that feeling off of my chest. i'm not too concerned about what i say on this blog at this point since i don't think anyone is reading it like that. it's just out there for the sake of it i guess.


justin scawful • 5 nov 2020

election has been going on for several days now. it's looking like joe is gonna win but it's a very contentious situation for everyone right now. for whatever reason the stock market loves it though. it seems like this current rally is more of a response to the lack of a blue wave in the senate and the pragmatic nature of a gridlocked congressional body. i had thought the uncertainty of the results would cause some sort of selloff or panic but i hadn't considered the implications of the down ballot races.

20 more minutes

justin scawful • 2 nov 2020

i'm not really sure how i feel lately. my emotions have been all over the place. i've been alternating between like super obsessed with myself and deeply insecure. i've been concerned about school and my personal life. i don't do very well when i feel like i'm not in control. i think a lot of the stress of this pandemic and the suffering around the world is catching up to me. plus it's getting colder so this is probably the seasonal depression creeping in. i'm just hoping that the election isn't a complete shitshow so we can move on with life and hopefully see better days next year. school being online for my first semester at uic sucks. i wish it could just be normal again. i'm getting so tired of social media and other human beings. just the whole participating in the collective existence of humanity thing is not always very much fun. i operate a lot better when i'm just alone alone and nobody talks to me. interacting with others just introduces complications i don't have the emotional energy for.

i got a new bed frame today and it's really nice. it's maple and a sleigh style. my dad helped me get it in my room and put it together. it takes up a little more space and changes up the dynamic in my room but i really like it. there's not much more i can do to my room since it's pretty full of stuff now, but i think it has a good flow. i'm thinking about getting a new car soon. i've been driving my minivan for two years now and i'm ready for an upgrade. i'd like to start working on building my credit more so despite my reservations i will probably end up financing a vehicle rather than buying another $1000 shitter like i would do in high school. it'll be nice to have something i don't feel bummy pulling up in. also something with an actual aux cord to play music over the speakers finally. i was looking a 2010 honda civic that was going for 7k and i think if i don't find anything better i'll just go with that because it's a really good deal for the mileage only being like 80k